Catch 22


The Catch 22 – Grieving for A Spouse

I reposted a blog awhile ago that seem to sum up my present condition. It also made me think of a book that I read many years ago called Catch 22. I’m not sure everyone will understand what a catch 22 is so I’ll explain. The definition is this: a frustrating situation in which one is trapped by contradictory regulations or conditions. In his book titled Catch 22 Joseph Heller wrote: “There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he were sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to.” So, the only way to get out of flying missions was to be crazy. But if you said you wanted out you were sane! And if you were sane you flew missions.

I relate catch 22 to grieving for a spouse because the one who has consistently supported you through difficult and emotional times your marriage is the one who is not here to do it any longer and the fact that they are no longer here is the cause of the difficult and emotion time. It’s a perplexing issue. Who now do I have to share my heart with that can offer the understanding and compassion of my 44 years of sharing my heart? Whom do I now have that has the longevity and experience of dealing with the way that I have handled past difficulties? I remember when Linda and I were first married and life’s anxieties would well up in me and my emotions would explode, she knew what to say. She knew what to do. She could hold me and say the words that would calm me. Even her last months and weeks here with me, she knew how to “bring me back” when I would begin to panic about losing her. So, now she’s gone and so is the one who would normally help me to go through this hard time. Now, please understand that even as I write this blog I’m not doing so out of anger. I’m not angry about my situation or Linda’s leaving. In fact, I’m glad that she is at perfect peace now. Most people have no idea the amount of pain she was in. She handled it in an amazing way. I still talk to her about stuff but her answers are only formed from the past. Kind of a “what would Linda say?”

Even my relationship with Jesus is changed. I’m having to draw much closer to Him than ever before. As I’ve shared in another post, it used to be Jesus, Linda and me. The familiar verses of the bible where Jesus commands Peter to come to Him in the storm by walking on water are more alive to me now than at any other time in my Christian walk. Jesus and Peter. One to one. He is my peace, He is my stability, He is my counselor, He is my confidence. He hears my heart and my cry and says “come”. I will keep my eyes focused on Him and I will walk on the waters of this storm. And when I fall, His mighty hand will reach out and grab me and pull me back up into His presence and I will walk again. His compassion overwhelms me!

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