Loneliness

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I guess loneliness is the hardest thing for me right now. It’s been 7 months since Linda left and I’m still not used to it. I know, you say, it will take time. While I understand that in my intellect, my emotions still refuse to agree. I find myself carrying on! More to the point, pressing on.  I go to the store for groceries. I still have to clean the house. Laundry has to be done. The yard needs care. Life goes on and things still need to get done. Nothing stops to wait. Time does not stop or stand still.  When I say loneliness I’m not talking about needing a companion. I had one. I had a “until death do us part” one. And death parted us. Way sooner than I would ever have imagined but it did. I’m not talking about finding a friend. I had one. Since high school we did everything together as friends. She was my best friend forever! Now she’s gone. So when I say loneliness I’m saying that I miss being with her. I miss doing things together. I miss going on trips and even grocery shopping together. I’d give anything to make another trip to Costco with her. It’s that loneliness. I something wander around the house remembering her being in her office on the computer (picture above) or sitting on the couch playing Candy Land on her iPad. I miss the discussions on scripture and what the Lord is doing at New Hope. I miss seeing her in the kitchen whipping up some incredible meal with the most simple of ingredients. As I drive by Kaiser Hospital, I remember the many chemo trips and blood draws. I look up at the top floor and remember her in the ICU and how happy she was to come home from that horrible infection. Only to pass away a week later. While I still have friends, family and church to talk with and visit, it isn’t the same. At some point, everyone goes their way and I go mine. And that’s the way it must be. I get that. I’m certainly not angry about that. Nor am I looking for pity. I’m just lonely. No one can “fix” it. It has to happen. I have to go through this. There is no other way. So I press on.

A good friend suggest to me last week that I am depressed. No, he didn’t suggest it, he said that I am depressed. I disagree. While I may have some times of depression (who doesn’t), I am not depressed. I am hopeful. Hopeful that my walk with Christ will continue to be strengthened. Hopeful that God will have His way in my life and ministry as a worship leader and pastor. Hopeful that as I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. Hopeful that when it’s my time to stand before Him I will hear “well done good and faithful servant”.

Linda once taught that we continue to look for our Garden of Eden here. Well, she said, it isn’t here, it’s in His presence. Here there are thorns, weeds, and corruption. I remind myself that that is where I’m headed. Some day my loneliness will be healed.

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