Archive for March, 2015

Untethered!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 30, 2015 by jimheinze

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A couple of months ago Pastor Jeff and I were talking and I was trying to explain my emotional condition. I was struggling with a good definition as to what I was feeling, when he came up with the word “untethered”. Wow! That described my state completely. Untethered! No restraint. Disconnected. What a weird feeling. I imagined a space walker and the feeling of security when tethered to the space craft. Because without that tethering one would drift. What a sinking feeling in your gut! In our marriage, Linda and I were tethered. We were tethered physically. We were together all the time. We enjoyed each others company. Pretty much since that day I met her in high school. We were tethered in marriage. We were tethered raising our three kids. And her last couple of years with our many weekly trips to Kaiser. Joined at the hip if you will. We were tethered spiritually as well. Both of us in ministry serving the Lord together. Fifteen years of ministry in the U.K. Serving together at New Hope.

But now? Life seems at times untethered. My companion isn’t next to me. As one friend said it’s like my whole right side of my body is missing. It’s a very strange feeling. I know I am tethered in other areas though. My children, my church, my friends, and most importantly, my God. His word says, “Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” and “All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. I am tethered to Christ and that gives me hope.

Every once in a while I get that “drifting” feeling. That untetheredness.  But I will lift my eyes and see just where my help comes from. My help comes from the Lord.

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Loneliness

Posted in Uncategorized on March 21, 2015 by jimheinze

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I guess loneliness is the hardest thing for me right now. It’s been 7 months since Linda left and I’m still not used to it. I know, you say, it will take time. While I understand that in my intellect, my emotions still refuse to agree. I find myself carrying on! More to the point, pressing on.  I go to the store for groceries. I still have to clean the house. Laundry has to be done. The yard needs care. Life goes on and things still need to get done. Nothing stops to wait. Time does not stop or stand still.  When I say loneliness I’m not talking about needing a companion. I had one. I had a “until death do us part” one. And death parted us. Way sooner than I would ever have imagined but it did. I’m not talking about finding a friend. I had one. Since high school we did everything together as friends. She was my best friend forever! Now she’s gone. So when I say loneliness I’m saying that I miss being with her. I miss doing things together. I miss going on trips and even grocery shopping together. I’d give anything to make another trip to Costco with her. It’s that loneliness. I something wander around the house remembering her being in her office on the computer (picture above) or sitting on the couch playing Candy Land on her iPad. I miss the discussions on scripture and what the Lord is doing at New Hope. I miss seeing her in the kitchen whipping up some incredible meal with the most simple of ingredients. As I drive by Kaiser Hospital, I remember the many chemo trips and blood draws. I look up at the top floor and remember her in the ICU and how happy she was to come home from that horrible infection. Only to pass away a week later. While I still have friends, family and church to talk with and visit, it isn’t the same. At some point, everyone goes their way and I go mine. And that’s the way it must be. I get that. I’m certainly not angry about that. Nor am I looking for pity. I’m just lonely. No one can “fix” it. It has to happen. I have to go through this. There is no other way. So I press on.

A good friend suggest to me last week that I am depressed. No, he didn’t suggest it, he said that I am depressed. I disagree. While I may have some times of depression (who doesn’t), I am not depressed. I am hopeful. Hopeful that my walk with Christ will continue to be strengthened. Hopeful that God will have His way in my life and ministry as a worship leader and pastor. Hopeful that as I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. Hopeful that when it’s my time to stand before Him I will hear “well done good and faithful servant”.

Linda once taught that we continue to look for our Garden of Eden here. Well, she said, it isn’t here, it’s in His presence. Here there are thorns, weeds, and corruption. I remind myself that that is where I’m headed. Some day my loneliness will be healed.

Am I going crazy?

Posted in Uncategorized on March 4, 2015 by jimheinze

I guess if you were to follow me around for the day, or perhaps get some kind of a glimpse into my brain, you might think so. You see, I spend a lot of my alone time talking to Linda. While I’m driving, or just sitting here in my living room. I talk to her when I go to bed every night. I tell her just how much I love her and miss her. I tell her how much is wish she was here with me.  I don’t know what she hears, or if she even hears me. We like to think we know, but I also know that there is a lot of hypothetical stuff out there about those who have left this world and what they know or don’t know, or experience. But with all that aside, I still talk to her. But she never talks back or answers my questions. I only have what she said before she left. “You’ll be okay” was her  usual response to my despair of losing her. I guess I will be okay. In fact, I know I will. I talk to her while I’m shopping at Walmart for toothpaste. When I see the deodorant that she would buy. Or the Slim Fast Low Carb drink that we would always hope was in stock. I drive by Union Bank and remember going through the drive through and hear her telling my the deposit amount to punch in on the keyboard. I ask her “do we need to pull in”? No reply so I drive on by. After all,  I talked with her for forty seven years! Come on, that’s a long time! And now, she’s silent. It’s a one sided conversation. It feels weird. It is weird. I’d give anything to sit on the couch and converse again with her. Or have her in the car next to me to do our weekly shopping at Trader Joe’s.  But that’s not going to happen. So, follow me around if you wish. Think me crazy if you must. But I’ll keep on talking to the love of my life. Am I going crazy? I don’t think so.  2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I will continue to trust in God’s faithfulness. He is my hope. Oh, and I talk to God all the time too.  Love ya babe.

Happy Birthday Week!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 1, 2015 by jimheinze

IMG_0445A few years ago Linda and I started celebrating our “birthday week” instead of just one day, we would celebrate the whole entire week! It was fun. She would plan a small get a way or a day trip to Half Moon Bay or Lake Tahoe. We would start on Sunday after church. What usually happened was that we would get together with family one day during the week and friends at different times in the week. We would often, just the two of us, go out to a local restaurant and celebrate as well. Over the last couple of years we started going to Zocalo’s here in Mid Town Sacramento. That became Linda’s favorite restaurant. I passed by there a couple of months ago and it was difficult. I can hear her saying, “this is my birthday week” even now. It was just one year ago that we were there to celebrate her 62nd birthday. I would always let them know that it was her birthday (to her embarrassment) and they would bring out a dessert with a sparkler on it. Toward the end of the week she would announce that her birthday week was ending and I would share that mine would be here in July. We would always look forward to our birthday weeks. Happy birthday week babe! I love you.